July 20, 2012

Honest Toddler

OK.... so I saw this posted on one of my friends blogs and had to copy her and share it with you! If you are a Mom or a Grandparent you should totally read this post.... It is HILAIRE!!!!

This 'Honest Toddler' tweets the funniest things.... seriously red this! YOU WON'T BE SORRY!

Took it to far this morning. She just Googled "dirt cheap preschools."
Toddler Tip: It's never too early for sock drama.
Toddler Tip: It's important to try new things. Throw a tantrum in the bath tub tonight. You might like it.
"Stop screaming." Screaming? Ahaha no. This is the song of my people.
Daddy just texted mama asking what she's wearing. I texted back for her "Naked. Gonna poo soon. Why? What u wearing?"
Was about to tweet it when she said to me "Do you like your life here?" :/ RT What's her shoe size?
Mommy's in her closet holding size 6 pre-pregnancy stilettos whispering, "I'll never let go. I'll never let go."
Asked the mailman if he has poo poo. No response.
At home watching "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" or as mama calls it, "My Worst Freaking Nightmare."
I'll hold hands while we cross the street but only until we're in the middle. Then it's catch me if you can LOL!
Trying to rush me? COMMENCE SLOW MOTION.
Watching daddy shower. Family is more important than privacy.
How hard is it to keep the house stocked with juice boxes. :(
Toddler Tip: Interrupt the bedtime story at least two times per page with questions that have nothing to do with anything.
Toddler Tip: They're not sad because you threw up. They're sad because they have to feed you again.
They need to choose. Teeth or hair. We're not going to brush both daily.
Mommy just remembered her dream from last night. She's texting it to daddy down to the last detail. He finds this fascinating.
Daddy, I think mommy...I think she...yeah she ate your pie.
Daddy, when you get home please join us for dinner. We're in the car eating McDonalds.
Playdate is over. I think that went well.
Had to be physically removed from the situation.
#3: Ninjas share their...whatddyou have there, baby. Puffs? Cereal puffs? Yeah I'll try those. Ninjas always share food with master.
He's going to need a lot of work. #1: Ninjas don't wear clothes that unsnap at the crotch. LOL.
I'm rewarding this baby for its ability to spot a true ninja (me) with a Lego and ten minutes of mentoring from said ninja.
The baby is clapping and laughing! I guess this is the first time he's seen a champion!
Just did three lightning fast roundhouses in a row. Lost my balance and fell into a wall at the end but I was still magnificent.
Came out to keep an eye on family belongings. Mommy asked me to show them my signature fight move: roundhouse. Can't say no to that.
Mommy just told the baby and his mom my name, age, and favorite games like identify theft isn't a thing.
Packing up ALL of my toys and going into my bedroom with door closed!!!
"Share your toys." WHY? He's your guest not mine. Give him your keys or makeup bag to play with.
AAAAAAND the baby is here. Why does she ask my opinion about things she's already set in motion?!?
If I wanted to watch a big head bob & weave for 40 minutes I'd order pay per view boxing.
How exactly do you "play with" an infant? Staring contest? Dangle some string in front of his face? NO 
Mom just asked if I'd like to play with an 8-MONTH OLD neighbor who I know for a fact is a liar and a cheat.
Angry at myself for falling asleep.
Me personally, I'm at full strength. Just gonna lay my head down on the floor for a second to see if ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
Not even noon and mama is fading. Extended blinks. Wake up, lady. We've got 6 hours to go. YAY!!! :)
Grandma, I'm thirsty. Need juice. The kind that stains my face.
Just ran into a wall. When did we get that?
On my 7th band-aid of the morning. They're too tired to care.
5AM y'all. In the big bed! Woke up holding daddy's arm like a Grammy award.
Back tapping. Don't try to rush it. Don't lean on my crib either. Use your core.
"All of the other children in the world are sleeping right now." Like I care!
Told daddy my leg itches. He said "scratch it." Why do I even bother?
Daddy freestyled a story. Didn't make a lick of sense.
Broke three things because the pajamas I want are in the washer.
"Is there something wrong with you?" is a rude question.
Daddy asked me to pick out a story. Came back with a piece of lunch meat from the fridge. For snacking.
Instead of kissing daddy goodnight I licked his eye. Hope he dreams about me.
Pre-bedtime hysterics! Amiright? Going out in a blaze of cray cray!
Grandma, daddy just called me a "lunatic" under his breath. Please come discipline him. :(
Got into the pantry and helped myself to the bottom tip of several ice cream cones. Stuffed!
Always one kid still wearing his Halloween costume. We see you there, Spiderman. Seek help.
Kid just rolled up in a $600 Phil & Teds wearing a rugby shirt. Meetup with Harry Potter and the house of Gryffindor later?
Look at this kid. LOL Look at this kid wearing skinny jeans for 16 month-olds. Can't even bend his knees. Trying to roll up the stairs.
Lady Gaga just crawled past me in an Etsy tutu. This is the park. Not your tumblr.
Park. Just saw 9 month-old Hoss Cartwright wearing a vest and the dumbest smile I've ever seen.
Standing up in my bed because it's my right.
One-year old just tried to use me as a walking stick. Gave him a sand storm facial. We're on our way home.
Whatever I hate the swings. Going to play in the sand.
Look at me! I'm an infant! I sleep three times a day and can't walk because I have no power!
C'mon bobble heads! Kids who actually know where they are right now want to use the SWING!!!
PARK! Waiting for a free swing. Take your time, infants. smh.
Toddler Vocabulary Lesson. Multitasking: Failing at multiple things simultaneously.
If daddy is clearly asleep and she needs to chat, she just asks, "Are you sleeping?" over and over until he isn't anymore.
Daddies LOVE to talk about feelings. Especially right as they're about to fall asleep.
She's considerate so she always starts with, "Is this a good time?" (rhetorical question)
Mommy likes to call daddy at work to talk about feelings. He loves little gestures like that.
She noticed. Of course this is somehow my fault. :(
Did a secret poo poo. Playing it cool. I don't think she noticed.
The awkward moment when you wake up after 6:30AM. So embarrassed. :(
Shoulda known.
DADDY'S HOME! And he brought me flowers!!!!!
Tried to express how I feel about my shirt. It came out as, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" :/
When did we get all of these corners? :(
Kitchen floor just slapped me in the face OMG! :(
Hurt myself walking down the hall.
Still waiting for "Land Before Time XIIII: We're All Out Of Ideas" to come out.
Another Ice Age movie. Trying to beat The Land Before Time's record?
"Where are your clothes?" I DON'T KNOW THEY FELL OFF. What's with all the questions.
Mama just asked me "Why are you naked?" Naked? Can't she see my hat?
Toddler Tip: Did someone say "No"? They're confused. Keep asking.
Had an accident. If you come for dinner, bring your own glass. We don't have any more.
I can't stay mad at daddy. He's like family to me.

Woke up in my own bed. You may have won the battle daddy, but I will win the war. Mother is MINE.
Daddy just came in and begged me to stay in my bed tonight. Sounded desperate! (LOL) What's the big deal?
Peed in the big bed to mark my spot for later.

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